Hi, I'm writing about my father again.  Today he went to see an oncologyst who
didn't give him much hope.  He said it's in stage 3 and inoperable.  He also
has pnemonia (sp?) around the tumor which can't be treated because the tumor
is causing it.  The doctore doesn't even want to start any treatment until
after Thanksgiving.  My mother said she thought it was because the doctor
doesn't think treatment will help.  He tentively has an appointment set up
Wed, Nov 22 at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester.  I'm very concerned about how
this is affecting him.  He is also very close with my two children, esp. my
son (age 9).  They're practically inseparable.  He wants to know if he should
tell my son or if I want to.  I had thought that I should probably do it.  My
questions are:  1.  At what point should my children be told?  2.  Does anyone
have a feel for who should tell them?  3.  And finally, what should they be
told?
Another question I have is in regards to him wanting to give us money,etc and
do things for us.  I've told him I want him to use his money for treatment, at
trip,etc., but he gets upset if I don't take it.  I just feel that by taking
things, I'm agreeing with his analysis that he isn't going to be around too
much longer.  I'm having an extremely difficult time trying to cope with this.
 His well-being is also causing both myself and my mother some concern.  She
was somewhat concerned as to what he might try and do to himself.  Thanks for
listening,
Kellie

This is a common problem, but one that invites creative solutions and
actually can enhance intimacy and relationship.  There is no one "right"
answer.  An experienced hospice worker can often "facilitate"
communication and expression of each person's desires. They also have
experience and helpful suggestions for helping children deal with the
impending loss of a loved one.  I, myself, appreciated Steve Levine's
book, "Who Dies?". Use this precious opportunity to open up communication
and remember that the biggest gift is often just listening and accepting
what others want to give to you. Get a hospice referral...