I have (had, perhaps is better now) a short relationship with a woman
who has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS).

The symptoms of this disease include depression, and after getting to know
her and reading a little about CFS I expected a shakedown in our relatioship
at some point, but not like what happened.  Here's the short form:

One night she told me she just couldn't deal with men anymore.  I tried
asking her questions to help her think through what she was saying and
the obvious consequences but she just got more bizarre on me and eventually
walked out on me.  I've called her since and left a message asking her to
call me.  Since then (Monday) I haven't heard from her.

Does anyone have any advice?  She won't communicate with me- this kind of
leaves my hands tied.

Thanks!

-David

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Subject: Re: Romantic Places part-I
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Subject: Chronic Fatigue/Epstein-Barr Syndrome
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I have (had, perhaps is better now) a short relationship with a woman
who has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS).

The symptoms of this disease include depression, and after getting to know
her and reading a little about CFS I expected a shakedown in our relatioship
at some point, but not like what happened.  Here's the short form:

One night she told me she just couldn't deal with men anymore.  I tried
asking her questions to help her think through what she was saying and
the obvious consequences but she just got more bizarre on me and eventually
walked out on me.  I've called her since and left a message asking her to
call me.  Since then (Monday) I haven't heard from her.

Does anyone have any advice?  She won't communicate with me- this kind of
leaves my hands tied.

Thanks!

-David

I have (had, perhaps is better now) a short relationship with a woman
who has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS).

The symptoms of this disease include depression, and after getting to know
her and reading a little about CFS I expected a shakedown in our relatioship
at some point, but not like what happened.  Here's the short form:

One night she told me she just couldn't deal with men anymore.  I tried
asking her questions to help her think through what she was saying and
the obvious consequences but she just got more bizarre on me and eventually
walked out on me.  I've called her since and left a message asking her to
call me.  Since then (Monday) I haven't heard from her.

Does anyone have any advice?  She won't communicate with me- this kind of
leaves my hands tied.

Thanks!

-David

David,

    First of all, it sounds like you would be better off not having a
relationship with this woman.  CFS is serious and contagious, especially
for younger people.  It can leave you bedridden for up to 2-5 years or
more.  The symptoms include depression, but CFS is not *just* depression.
The two differ in a number of ways...depressed people don't care about
their condition much while people with CFS do.  
    Another thing is that CFS doesn't preclude a relationship...my girl-
friend's (apologies to those of you who don't like the word :-) ) brother
got CFS from his wife, and although things were very difficult, they
managed to pull through together (and are now recovered).  But I question
if you realize just what you would be dealing with.  She may have CFS or
she may just be depressed...either way you're just asking for trouble if
you keep pushing for a relationship.  Give her time, leave her alone.

Craig

Sorry, I know this doesn't really belong in this group but since it started
here and since my comments relate to my romantic ties with someone who
is stricken with CFS I feel I must respond.

I am a male and was engaged to someone for 2 years with CFS (we broke
up due to religious differences, not this).  I can definitely understand
her frustration.  Laura, after we broke up, felt this way.  It takes
a lot of effort in any relationship, something she doesn't have anymore
especially to start a new one.  Also there is an imbalance.  The
healthy person wants to be more active and the other can't keep up.
Yes when your SO is sick you tend to be sympathetic and slow down a bit.
But recall this is a disease that endures for a long time (see below)
and is very subtle.d  Even the best of us begins to forget after
awhile.  Keep in mind that even pleasureable things like sex can
become very exhasuting.  Then she might feel like she is being unfair
to you, not wanting to deprive you of a normal situation.  Of course
this applies to all areas, not just sex.

As to why she is handling it so I am puzzeled.  Maybe she has had
difficulty ttrying to get you to understand (not meant to be
finger pointing).

Also...

Be very careful!  They really don't know know how it is spread.
Whole families and small towns have come down with CFS.  However, they
are also many cases where exposed people did not.  I was very close
(living with etc) this person who was sick.  After 2 years of intimate
contact I did not get it.  Also there are documented cases of the
affliction lasting for at least 15 years.  It may go in remission for
short or long periods but it apparently never leaves.  There is also no
evidence that young or old are more susecptable.

Very true.  There may actually be many illness with the same root cause
that are being lumped into CFS.  Very frequently doctors diagnose the
person as just being depressed.  This is very unfortunate.

Ok for the romantic part.  CFS did not really affect our relationship.
Sure it restricted some of our activities.  It also forced me to be
very patient.  If anything it helped bring us closer toegther (I can
in fact say that it did get us to start dating!).  You should be aware
of potential risks but it does not have to preclude a relationship and
i think dismissing one on the ground she has CFS is selfish or perhaps
discriminatory.

-Eriol

I think you're dealing with more than one thing here and your confusion is
in trying to lump all of this woman's problems under one label.  Her not
dealing with men is probably an underlying emotional issue (I would hazard
a guess that she has some history of bad "relations," either bad {*filter*}/{*filter*}
relationship experiences or childhood abuse (which could be with either men
or women and doesn't have to be {*filter*}--these things come out in intimacy)
and her saying she can't deal with men may be her way of saying she can't
deal with intimate relationships, assuming she's hetero{*filter*}.  I hate even
to guess at such a thing because I have so little information, just take
this as something else to consider).

The CFS is a different problem.  Someone suggested it is contagious and,
while I won't argue with medical proof, I have never heard of it being so.
CFS usually refers to a collection of symptoms of which extreme tiredness
(different from depression) is prominant.  I don't believe depression is a
primary symptom but I can understand how people with CFS would get very
depressed over it (as with any lifestyle altering illness/condition).  If
depression is involved, I'd be very surprised if it was neuro-transmitted
related.

Now, why are you getting CFS and "not dealing with men" together?  First,
consider the possibility they are completely unrelated.  Second, perhaps
the stress of whatever emotional stuff may be going on triggered the
problems in her immune system that led to CFS (this is conjectural stuff
that is, so I've heard from medical staff, starting to be reported in the
literature--anyone with references, please email me).  Third, the stress of
dealing with CFS has made her decide she doesn't want to be involved in a
relationship, hence, not "dealing" with men.

Advice?  Well. . .give her space.  If she can't explain how she feels or
what she means it may be because she doesn't understand it herself.  Your
asking her questions may be pressuring her too much.  Everyone responds
differently.  If asking questions isn't working, try active listening (uh
huh, I hear you saying. . .) and switch around; her needs may change.  By
telling you as much as she did, she may be testing your committment to
continue getting close to her despite the outside issues.

Now the real advice (you asked, didn't you)--put yourself first.  Don't get
yourself involved in a one-way relationship (that applies to a romantic
relationship and a friendship, if that's what develops).  Ask yourself what
you're getting from her (emotionally) as well as what you can give her.
And think about what it will take to continue a relationship (including
platonic friendship) with her.  You'll hurt her more by saying you'll care
for her no matter what and then discovering you can't do it than if you bow
out early.

If you still want to see her, call again and let her know you'll be there
for her when she's ready.  Then wait until she contacts you.  If she
doesn't, that's a pretty good sign that's not what she wants or needs now.

Good luck.

___________________________________________________________________________
"There's nothing wrong with me.  Maybe there's             Cyndi Norman

Thanks for your reply Craig!

She made that pretty clear and gave me several opportunities to sort of
'get out of' a relationship with her.  I don't think she believes it to
be contagious.  From what I've read if you've had mononucleosis or some
Epstein-Barr related illness you are a _potential_ victim- I haven't and
was careful about things :) since I can't afford to get mono before finals.
I hope you're wrong about it being contagious.

There are other issues involved here (none of which really have anything to
do with me other than the fact that I'm male) but I think that CFS is
ampliphying things a lot.

Why do you say I would be better off without her?  To protect myself?
According to a book I read CFS sufferers are often hardest on those they
care about the most.  But I can deal with that, as long as we _communicate_.

How did they recover???  

It's hard to let her just cut me off- I have no clue what she thinks
I think of her.  If she's gonna avoid me I would at least like her to know
that I don't hate her for this (or whatever other sort of things she may
have come up with and which we can't discuss since she avoids me and so on....)

-david


and won't bounce back so you won't know the difference....)

What evidence do you have that CFS is contagious? This has been suggested
by some researchers, but to my knowledge the jury is still out. Did I miss
something?